Sunday, April 13, 2008

WHERE WERE YOU SHAZZA? Pt. 1

I was going to get all detailed about my relationship and how it began, flourished and then tragically ended but then I thought to myself, “Self, do you really want to give that much Body to a carcass rotting in your memory?

DAYUM !!!! You might say to yourself as you are reading that last line BUT that is how I feel. The relationship is dead and I don’t plan to go Jesus and resurrect something that should have ended a LONG TIME AGO, according to how my Ex had childishly tried to explain.

Let’s just say that when one person is into the relationship, committed, honest and supportive and the other is fickle, dishonest and selfish, IT’S A DEAD THING. The thing is, I am not stupid and in my many deep and serious conversations when one asks the question of, “Do you want to end this relationship?” and the response is, “No, that is not what I want” when what you really mean is “YES”, the result of that dishonest answer has serious repercussions. It gives the affected a false sense of continued investment of affections, energy, commitment and “sacrifice” and when the truth comes out, you can’t be surprised when the affect is (and I am polite when I say this) PISSED THE FUQ OFF. When after an extended period time of sightless commitment, you are caught in the output to a one-sided relationship, when it abruptly ends, my wave of emotion raged out like a monsoon cut loose upon a village of idiots too slow to move inland.

OK so here’s the deal. I am a GOOD MAN. I don’t smoke, don’t drink, I am Spiritual, never arrested, masculine, athletic, considerate, conscious, forward thinking, culturally grounded, funny, talented, well traveled, well-spoken, involved in the community, love children, WANT CHILDREN, etc etc etc. I am that type of GOOD GUY that all mothers want their daughters to marry and BAD BOYS try to make sure their women don’t meet. I know myself because I have found myself a long time ago. I am grounded. I am the marrying type because I WANT TO BE IN A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP. So when you take all of this positive energy and you toy with the notion that this is WHAT YOU THINK YOU WANT to then decide after playing with a person IT ISN’T … what is a person to do?

That’s just how it is. I’m sorry you feel that that way but … I can’t help that”, my Ex’s response.

I guess you would say that because people assume that the NICE GUY will remain that way because and accept it because they are WEAK in mind and heart. VERY DANGEROUS THINKING. And even if this assumption was TRUE, why would anyone want to play GAMES with a weak Mind and Heart. Those are the two organs/emotions that create News worthy situations.

Don’t worry people, I’m not THAT crazy … BUT I let this moment wash over me just enough because KARMA IS A BITCH and so is my Ex.

You are abrasive, some people really hate your ass, but there may be a group of other tight knit assholes and bitches that you hang out with and get you. Everybody else? Fuck ‘em, Right? OK, I’m going to let this marinate a bit and I will come back and tell you what I think about you." I end the conversation before I go to a RED ZONE.

We moved on?

You think I'm angry a little bit? Where do I re-direct my anger? Why am I venting like this? OK think about this.

What if you got involved with someone and you really liked him or her. Then your significant other says to you, “I got a job transfer and I will be moving to another State. I really love you and I don’t want to loose you. You have been the best thing in my life and I don’t want to break off what we have. Will you consider coming with me?

What do you do? I personally struggled with this for a long time as the clock ticked down to the last days. Deeply, I tuned down the idea of leaving family and friends to move to a State I knew nothing about and knew no one but three words made me break from my fear of making a CHANGE, “I love you.” I put away my selfish and stubborn desires to stay where I was comfortable and listened to the possibilities of having a new life with the help of my family and friends whom all supported me decision to make a new life elsewhere. I knew I had control issues by playing it safe in all of my life decisions. I mean I was not one to take BIG CHANCES with my finances or leap into something without thinking it completely through. I then said to myself, " Self, I think I can do this". When the proposal came to move, I made the leap and I did.

Moving to a NEW place, it took a while to adapt but I eventually did. One of the things that I do is PLAN. And plan I did. To buy a house, to get a decent job (even in an ailing economy), to start a business, to get involved in the community, to connect to the Black Community and its writers and to learn the history of this new place I live in. And there were great possibilities there. Starting out with very little, my Ex and I communicated, shared and acquired everything we needed to make a good life. We had a system for how we did this, keeping our communication, our feelings, and our commitment ongoing. We even used a technique taught to me when I was a youth and did Anger Management Counseling. When communicating sensitive issues and avoiding arguments, you enter into a conversation with another be establishing rules for respect and say, ‘I NEED YOU TO HEAR ME.” In doing this, you let the other person know that you want to speak un-interrupted, no responses, no opinions, no interactions .. just the person sitting and actively “hearing”. You then end the conversation with a date and time for the other to respond. This allows the other person to think and absorb the totality of what you have stated and when the date to respond comes around, the other person speaks and it is your time to “hear”. This process allows for real honesty with all the elements of balanced emotions and logic needed for understanding. It’s a safety zone for real feelings and allows for true respect. BUT the key is you have to be committed to Honesty.

We did this and we built a household that was good. Property, prosperity and opportunities, the blessing were not blocked at all. When people saw the relationship, it was an example for all others to follow. Even our friends and parents fell it was a blessing and good.

Then my Ex wanted to do something wonderful, start a business. This was great because where we were, the business proposal would have made not only an impact, BUT some serious money because there was no competition as well as the client feeding companies and providers surrounding us that wanted to partner and or needed the service as well. The blessings rained down in full support. With my background in business development, I decided to do the work. All my Ex had to do was just sit back and have the blueprint for success presented on a silver platter and get certified. It was a NO BRAINER. Mind you. It was my Ex’s goal for the business which like any relationship, became "ours" as a couple.

Now in order to do this right, someone had to sacrifice his or her dreams and aspirations for the other. Since I have already done so by relocating, it made sense that by doing this new business venture, I would I not only know the community, the politics, the economics and potential pitfalls BUT I would establish a foundation for a family in a place where I had none. In doing the work, I developed the business plan, established the financial commitments, committed to a location, gathered the backers and took a job where from the inside, I was able to get all the supplied needed at COST. The only thing needed was my Ex’s commitment to do the work. Tick tock and the clock slowed to a stop when a decision was made. “I want to be back in New York.

"OK?"

So in the mean time we do the conversation thing, between the time commitments, social schedules, the stresses of a family deaths and illness and at this time my health was beginning to affect me (mostly stress related causes), we began to sit down and really talk. This was the moment when I first asked, “Do you want to end this relationship?” I had asked this because I felt that there was a major shift in our relationship, the feeling that a BRICK WALL was coming and if it was to be avoided, now was the time to TALK. This wasn’t the first time I had inquired about the strength of our relationship. Since my Ex traveled a lot, I wanted the degree of communication to forever be there. Knowing friends in the entertainment and travel business, I know that in moments like this, trust and communication is key. The other reason was that “IF” my Ex wanted to end the relationship, I could make the appropriate changes in my life and continue on with my life and or move forward with all the work that I put into the “business” and would have been happy where I was. even more so, the respect for each other would have been more appropriate than the traditional BLOODLUST than comes with nasty seperations. The decision to re-commit to the relationship was made and I conceded to move back to New York deciding to take the business plan there, especially since I have done all the work. My other deciding factors were my family and friends and to be back in an environment that I knew well.

So now you figure, since my Ex was traveling to New York on a regular prior to breaking things down at home, having a place and plan mapped out in advance would be a simple responsibility. Wrong. By the time the move was committed to, we ended up living with friends. This was to be a two-month deal. Coming back didn’t bode well for me either because the initial job that I had set up upon my return, the offer ended up going under. So now I am not working full time. In looking for a new place, no matter what I found, my Ex found problems with it. Even when there was something that worked well … it would seem that there was a so PROBLEM. Two months turned into three, turned into five turned into 7 months and now we have a PROBLEM because I can’t live in someone else’s home when I have always had my own. By this time we are not communicating at all and when we do, we argue. When we finally sit down like adults to TALK I get this TRUTH, “I really wasn’t into this relationship, even before we moved back. I didn’t really look hard for a place because I wasn’t sure if I wanted to continue living with you and the only reason why I stayed in this relationship was because I was looking out for you.

WHAT THE FUQ?!?! The reason why this relationship is FUQ’ed up is because of ME? How are you looking out for someone who had built a foundation by which you lived like a GODDESS, building up your credit, your self worth, living standard, healthy living, spiritual health, peace of mind, beat back those person's draining your life and helping you gain a resemblance of a positive reputation, helped you through a layoff right after we initially moved and assisted you into a NEW career and maintained a home that was stability that you have never had and YOU are looking out for ME by bring me into a situation where you intended to DUMP ME?

"I really want to be living in North Carolina but you don't want to move there." my Ex tell me matter-of-fact like.

"I pick up and move from New York and then move back and within a few months of moving back, move to another State for the simple reason that you don't want to be here. And we are Here, because you stated YOU want to move back?", I say.

Ladies and Gentlemen, up to this writing I never really went to THAT PLACE with my Ex. I didn’t just yet BUT mentally I am not ready but it will happen prior to the divorce. You see, when I was a child, I had ANGER ISSUES. Issues that required me to do therapy in anger management techniques. These techniques have aided me throughout my childhood, teen years, and adult life. As peaceful as I appear on the outside, I am a rage of fire and brimstone on the inside. I cannot begin to tell you how much anger that was and still is pint up within me so I have entered into increased in intensive pray, meditation, exercise and writing. As I tell people that I am single once again, the SHOCK VALUE on people’s faces tell stories. When I explain as to how it happen, people still can’t comprehend because everyone asks, WHO in the world would sacrifice for them and practically give a person everything that NORMAL PEOPLE pray for and even is handed a business gift wrapped and walk away from it because “THEY ARE BORED?”

I though this as well but after talking to my Ex’s family (we are still cool with each other which usually happens when the good one’s get away from a family) I found out that my Ex is a RUNNER, never really committing to anything, a job, a place to live, relationships, friends you name it. The family also agreed that what my Ex did was wrong and was really sorry as to how it ended (still shocked that it did end).

So now I am here dealing with this, on top of the financial commitment with this divorce, the separation of possessions, the non-communication, all the Bullshyt that comes with ending a relationship lasting years and still remaining civil and respectful until the separation is complete. If it wasn’t for the fact that my Ex’s response to this was, “I’m sorry you feel this way but that’s just how it is”, and my not booking an express trip to Ryker’s Island Prison with my response, I might be able to move forward quicker than I am at present.

5 comments:

Mz Nikki said...

Shazaa, in reading this post, it is obvious to me that this woman did not deserve you. She was afraid of the realness of yur relationship, and instead of being brave and letting you know that, she took the cowards way out and ran.

And now you are left with the anger and hurt of what she has done.

Trust and believe that karma is a boomerang that will bust a bitch in the eye when she least expects it. It is what it is.

I wish you love, happiness and heaven in finding a woman who is worthy of the love and self you have to give.

Shelly said...

Hi Shazza,

Great blog! I have added you to my blogroll, keep up the good work.

Peace and love,
Shelly :-)

Shazza Nakim said...

Mz Nikki & Shelly, I thank you for your words. This war the hardest posting I have ever made. It took me a minute to be able to write down the words on a personal matter and try and keep it as light and civil, especially with the Internet Community coming for a visit.

Some people were concerned about my airing my diry laundry like this but I think the more I let it out in as many avenues as I can, the better I can move forward

Shelly, PROPERS !! on the Blog. I am Feelin' It No Doubt.

Today's ranting said...

Hmmm this is so sad. She did not deserve you in any way.You've invested so much in this relationship and now she is throwing it away. This is the saddest thing one can ever experience but it has happened and life has to move on.You definitely will find someone who will love you and be committed to you.Hope this won't make you hate women.There are still women of great virtue out there who will complement a good man like you. Hope you find one in the nearest future.It aint easy and I do honestly feel your pain.

Shazza said...

wow.. Shazza... those kind type of women make me angry... i always here stories like this, a good man and some women who doesn't deserve them... and i related a lot with what you wrote. and got scared too... as i began asking myself wether i am a runner? in the past 3.5 years i have moved continents 3 times, and jobs the same amount of times, back and forth... but for different reasons....

Anyway, wish you well...and really sad, that good men like u end up with such...