Saturday, November 24, 2007

What Is Sexy

I took this young woman to dinner just the other day. It wasn't a date, just something that I wanted to do because I really liked her company. I do this occasionally when I meet people who interest me. While dining, the conversation was on a variety of different topics, much of which were on the current state of Black people in the United States, Reparations and the War on Terrorisms. As dinner came to its conclusion with both of us laughing because we were trying not to look too greedy by scraping the dessert plates for extra chocolate frosting, our eye caught for a moment and there was a moment of silence. Out of the blue my friend said to me, "You know, you are a sexy man." Now this took me back for a moment, this came from a associate, just a friend who's company I liked and vice versa. My smile soon turned into a blush and all I could say was, “Naw, I’m just an average looking man. Nothing special about me.” We got up and decided to walk off the BBQ Ribs through Central Park all the while I'm thinking about what my friend said.

She thought I was sexy. “Not Phine”, “the Bomb” or “All That”, but sexy. In my humble way I said thanks and played down the complement to place myself on the same level as the average person yet in the past I have been told this before.

As we exited the restaurant walking toward Central Park, we continued to laugh and take an interest in what the other had to say and I couldn’t help but recall that Jill Scott song of walking through a park, talking, and holding hands. We ended the evening on a positive note, instead of letting my friend take the train, I hailed a caband paid for the fair in advance, gave her a kiss on the cheek and thanked her for a good time and dinner. later that evening I called to thank my friend for spending the time with me again and for sharing. As the night ended into day, that one comment stayed alive and burning into my conscious. What then was a simple complement became an irresistible thought in my head. I was told I was sexy. Now why was this a big deal? It wasn't the first time someone had told me this. Yet at that moment, of all moments, the idea that I might have been sexy or at least the practice of sex appeal was a part of the way I carried myself, it became a notion which I needed to understand about myself.

In the mirror, I began looking at myself. Examining my ears, my mouth, my lips, my jaw line and eyes. I smiled, checked my hair line, I even tried to look at my butt, but all I saw was a simple Black Man, no more special than the next. I didn't look like an NFL Running Back. I didn't stand eye to eye with the NBA's best, my twin wasn’t Denzel Washington or a Morris Chestnut, I have an intellect but I was not the next Cornell West, all that I was , I was. Most of the time, I can be very critical as to how I look, sometimes all out harsh but as I found out, that was one of the reasons why sex appeal appears in the Black Man. Releasing one’s self to the World and dealing with everything it has to offer, you really can’t worry about how you looks. Not that vanity doesn’t have its place in society, but I guess those that live oblivious for it, stand out. Angie Stone knows this. She sings songs about it. Call it the Baby Theory. They don’t know how cute they are, they’re just babies and do what babies do by nature.

Over the next few days, I sat down with some people to ask what was sexy. I even asked those people who suggested I was sexy to tell me why (although most of the comments got a little racy, and yet I kept the "P" in professionalism and continued to take notes.) From what I learned, the comments were very enlightening and gave me much food for thought.

Here is what I found

Honesty. That was the most direct thing that I heard. Now this wasn’t rocket science to me but it is a rare quality in men and women. Now I'm not saying that I've never lied because Lord knows that I have learned over the years, it's too much stress to keep it real with everyone. It saves your peace of mind in every situation. Honesty and living without regret for what you say and do is considered clean living when dealing with one’s character. People like that. Especially in relationships. To be able to express yourself with confidence and clarity, to anyone about anything at any time is a genuine quality. It’s this type of energy that is generated and shines brightly for everyone to see. So bright that it attracts people like a moth to a flame. Anyone near will get a sense of comfort and safety, which no matter how you look at it, there will be a sense of attraction and or curiosity.

Compassion. People hate selfish people. That covers a lot of area. Financially, socially, spiritually, intellectually in conversation, even in sex. You have to be willing to allow others to be themselves. To do that you allow for a sense of freedom to be who you are. When I'm with people, and we talk, I want to know what's their deal. What is on their active minds? How do they think? Their basic dreams and deeply rooted fears. This also includes sex. Not the dirty talk, but the real talk. The honest talk about sex. The honest sex talk that your Church won't allow you to talk about for fear of burning enternally in Hell talk. It’s not like, “I do this and I'm gonna do that and the rules state you are to only want that and I only do this”, but a,” what do you get out of sex” and “what do you feel spiritually during and after sex”. The dimensions that come with understanding allow you to exploit your own unique ways and a sense of confidence in everything that you do.

Take for example, Men (Black and Latino Men in particular) do not like to perform oral sex on females yet will accept it from women in a heartbeat. For women, that makes them feel like men look down upon them or makes them feel dirty. Now take notes, this is where intellect and conversations comes in to play. Ask a Brother why he doesn’t like to perform oral sex and usually you won't get a straightforward answer or the answer is that it is nasty. So they are willing to force a one sided sexual encounter as long as they are not challenged in bed. Breaking it down, the nasty part is an issue of a woman's menstrual cycle or talk that has warped their minds from youth to adulthood. The fact that the area where a woman wants to be stimulated is also the same area where she urinates is not a coincident. The fact that Men, much like Boys, are just ignorant to Women’s bodies and their needs sexually as well as spiritually don’t matter as long as he get that nut. What amazes me is that when you challenge the sexual parts issue of the male penis and it also being the same area for the female in regards to sexual stimulation and for urination, the argument becomes moot once you open up to except that.

How does this apply to intellect in relation to sexy? A man who takes the time to relate, understand the woman's perspective, and attempts to meet her half way or the middle, will most likely have a better rapport sexually and become more attractive to her. Women know this and will be attracted to whoever possesses these qualities or whom she feels know. So Brothers, who just don't have sex one-sided, understand it and give up the whole body. It’s only as nasty as you want it to be and last I checked, sex was not nasty but a beautiful part of human relationships. At least that’s what my parents told me when we had the Sex Talk.

Conversation is another aspect of being sexy. If you can listen to a woman, you are golden. Now I'm not just saying you have to be attentive to every word that is said but you have to know when her words are important and when they aren't. That means you gotta ignore your “Boy’s” philosophy on women. My rule of thumb, "Unless you have written a book on the subject and made the best sellers list or married for at least 10 years or more, I don't pay it much mind." It’s strange that Brothers, who give the most advice on women, can't keep one more that 6 months.

When a woman wants to talk, she tells you. Directly ("Baby we talk?") or in-directly (Body Language). What can happen (and this comes with being honest) is tell or establish with your partner is that when there is a need to talk you can talk. Not debate or argue but relate and share. You can ask any question and get an honest answer without hesitation or emotional response. If you get a woman to that point, she'll do the same for you without establishing boundaries. You or her can not only start a conversation while in the middle of a board meeting or funeral but your quiet times at home or on a walk without being intrusive or inconsiderate. its all bout "hearing" and not "listening". When the person talks, the other person will hear beyond your words, they will hear your soul, your true intensions. Respond when asked to respond, and not give advice but direct issues toward a solution. Note, solutions sometimes take hours, days and weeks which is why communication and respect is a constant in relationships romantic and plutonic. This is the framework for friendship and the better you are at it, the more irresistible you become. Even to your friends. It’s the perfect balance of common sense of initiative.

Sexy is Body Language. It's in how you move, how you say things, how you look, even in the way you dress. This is not to be confused with grabbing your crouch, vulgar comments, or wearing revealing or tight clothing or your pants hanging off your ass. Nor is it having a perfect body, being nude or rumored to possessing the best piece of meat in the community. A man or woman covered walking down a street will attract the same kind of penis and vigina (Notice I didn't say man or woman but the physical representation of one) then if they were wearing little or nothing. The person’s whole attitude will generate a hormonal reaction as deep and fulfilling as a physical one. This is why you often hear that heavy people are sexy when they move and dance, men getting sexier with age, and the girl next door being the Playboy Pet of the Year over the local hoochie on the corner.

Lastly there is just being a Gentleman. I was told this was the standard of being a good man. Not conforming to the changes of society but doing the right thing as a man. Simply put, it’s the standard of being responsible for what one says and what one does. Committing to maleness and the principles of the male spirit.

I walked away from this a little wiser that I did going in. All the words that had floated around like “Dime Piece”, “On Point” and “Show Piece” were all designated to physical traits and character flaws of people. To be honest, to be referred in the physical is somewhat offensive when you think about it and women have known this for centuries. It’s almost like being called a “Dumb Blond”, ‘Thugnificant” or “White Trash”. Overall, if I had a choice to being called a “Dime” as oppose to Sexy, give me SEXY.

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