Tuesday, November 4, 2008

MENTAL VACATIONS - GOOD FOR ME

I have been off my personal GAME for a minute and I needed to get back to my online friends and start blogging. I know you have missed me but to be honest, I had lost my focus a bit and it was beginning to scare me. The past year was a bit stressfull with issues of sex, money and time; the CURSE of any relationship “personal” or “committal”. You know how that can be when you concentrate on one, at the expense of the other two. And the feedback you suffer when you try to balance out the other, that chain reaction of combustible energy build, overflow and eventually explode takes so much out of you. In my case, my creative energy was pretty much F*%#'ed.

I exploded and spent the last few months in deep recovery.
So what happened?

Well I did what a wise woman told me one day. “When you find yourself lost or off your Path, go back to the point where you got distracted and start over again.”
And that is what I did; I reconnected with some friends I haven’t spoken to in YEARS. I literally did a hardcore search for some. I Google, MapQuest, Reunion.com and broke out all address books to see if numbers and addresses were still the same. It was amazing how a voice from 10, 15 and 20 years ago can fill you will an energy you through lost by time.

That time of reflection, nostalgia and melancholy may sound like crap but to someone who felt that he lost his Mojo, it was the medicine of LIFE. The relationship that I had ended took more out of me than I wanted to admit. The drain from that not only affected my views about relationships (mine personally since I will always be an advocate of good and strong monogamous relationships) but on a serious subconscious level, it played havoc on my health. My spiritual was broken and I needed healing. Once I decided that I didn’t need a bunch of Hymns and Handclaps, Off-key Divas and reminders of Fire and Brimstone wasn’t going to be key, no lectures or Self Help manual, no Ancestor from the Past or Dime Store Saint selling Lucky Charms couldn’t help, I decided to put on the Nikes and did some serious ME TIME with a walk. I walked a lot. I MEAN A LOT. I got rid of the camera and the music, the backpack and all other distractions and walked the boroughs of New York City, its parks, special events and watched the People. I watched it all in its pure Beauty and deep down Dirt. And then I did the most astounding thing …. I didn’t try to make sense out of any of it. I watched it all like a Non-caring Man stepping on a colony of ants in the middle of a road. In essence I just shut down the WHY side of my brain and let it just Be. My eyes became a camera for the World, my mental and spiritual Black and White Documentary on “What is.” I even turned off the television. No CNN, CSPAN, FOX or MSNBC. It was a total blackout of Jerry-cultured information. I planned quite in my head and allowed that emptiness to set and prepare for the flood of information that was coming like a weak damn before the storm when I turned my mind back on.

Ladies and Gentlemen, that was my summer. My mind was on vacation and my body was on auto-pilot. I became that American in this New America, the other America that had replaced what once made sense.
Now don’t get me wrong, I was still active in my daily life, I still participated in my community events and seminars but I took a more passive backseat stance. No speaking or galvanizing of the troops. I just sat back in my Mrs. Daisy ride and talked to the driver who took me where I wanted to go which was often called a place call "Anywhere".

With all the energy invested in the election, the Clintons vs. the Obamas vs. the McCains, it didn’t matter because in the end, we all know how it is going to end. So like in arguing …. I mean debating, with a fool, sometimes it’s best to just LET IT GO.

Now I wait. Wait until the truth comes to the surface and allow for that little bit of feeling to flow into the void I created in my mind to plant its seed that I need to get back my focus; my Mojo. And I am OK with that.

2 comments:

Shazza said...

Welcome back

and wow, what a journey?!?!

the poet Shazza said...

I try am much as possible. The personal time and freedom to maintian the blog is tight and getting tighter each day.